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Depression...heritable apparently.

So, it's been so very long since I posted last. I've been away in Nottingham, UK and having a bit of a whirl wind trip around Europe. Europe was amazing. I'm now back in Australia and straight back into uni. It's been hectic but strangely reassuring with how familiar he campus and the courses are. I also like being back with my friends and family. True I came back to the sad fact that my boyfriend and I decided to break up. However the worst thing is coming back to find the same problems at home. I figured out that I may have depression while I was away. I get that it happens because of the isolation and I think that it was partly due to that. However, I have had some of the symptoms for years now. I find that understanding and admitting that I may have a problem has helped me recognise some of the moments and pull myself back, as well as take measures to prevent it happening. However my mother has currently been going back through her old self destructive pattern. She's between jobs (currently waiting to start a new one) and that tends to make it worse. If anything goes wrong or she gets a criticising comment (often from my father, sadly) she goes into a headspace where she takes everything you say and turns it so it is blaming her for everything that went wrong. If you try and talk her through it or encourage her to seek help about what is probably depression (she has been diagnosed before when she was in university), she will disengage from the conversation and then leave the room. It's disheartening as she will also lash out at people verbally and gets very upset. I try to help, usually I'm the one encouraging her to seek help, and get tears and then ignored for my trouble. I wish I could help her or get her to get help herself. It seems like nothing changes or gets better. Any advice?
In the gravity of reality
Dreams do not rise up
They are pulled
Down. tumblr_mm6gtjHCcB1qf21gyo1_400



So, I figured I haven't updated this in.....well, in forever. I've been so busy, running too and fro for uni and social stuff. And now I'm currently paying for that with strained ligaments in my knees, joy! If you haven't had the privelege of experiencing this, let me tell you it is not fun. I limp around campus and I'm practically at old lady shuffle on stairs. Althought this has made me form a new appreciation of the epic invention that was the icepack, without which I would be in a lot more pain....

But my main reason for writing is the confusing phenomenon that I have been sucked into called Sterek. I haven't watched a SINGLE EPISODE of Teen wolf and I still managed to get addicted to reading sterek fanfic!!! Clearly their level of awesome is just that high! :P Plus the fanvids for the series are really sophisticated (most of them, some are still kinda bad). I think sterek is so addictive as it invokes the old 'opposites attract' idea and that to see them go from mortal enemies to friends/not mortal enemies, is the basic plot for every teen rom com in existence. :)

Now all I have to do is get my hands on the first two seasons before season three is released....


Exam of DOOM!!

My exams are approaching at an increasingly fast pace and it is really freaking me out!! So of course I am wisely spending my time reading fanfic. *facepalm* I seriously don't know how I continue to survive at university with an addiction to fanfic as big as I have. *sigh* If only i was doing an English Psychology degree! Because there is nothing in fanfic to help me with my law and science!

Good luck to all the other people going through the same hell as me at the moment! Especially L as she is doing med (srsly, I cannot believe you guys are in like week 18 of your course!!).


Hello all,

It has been a while since I posted. I've been dealing with Simon's cruel break up method (I mean fb, srlsy?). I felt fine but then I would occasionally get these moments where something would remind me of him and i would ( still do but less often now) feel sad and wonder if it was due to me that he left like that. But my saying is that if he didn't want to be in a relationship with me then i have no right to hold him to one. I feel great being single, and actually made it my new years resolution to remain so for a few months and figure out where i was at, my headspace so to speak. Only problem is one of my friends, let's call him A, who had shown himself to be interested just as i was starting to date Simon, is being absolutely gorgeous. He left me a teddy bear with a poem from "a secret admirer" on my doorstep. How romantic and cute is that!?! Also, i know it was him as i guessed and he admitted to it. But now I'm torn as i don't know if I want to date him or revel in being single again. I like him but i'm not sure if it's going to be a Simon situation all over again.

Any advice would be welcome.

University starts again next week. I am so glad, as i was really beginning to miss learning. My job requires zero brain power and i felt as though the life was being slowly, but surely, drained from my body. :P

Oh, and it flooded here in brisbane, we were fine. My uncle's business not so much, but we're surviving. It was crazy. I helped move stock upstairs both before and during the time the water was rising through downstairs. It was scary how quickly it rose. The mud afterwards was gross, sticky and smelly it was caked in a layer over everything we didn't manage to move up. But some of the machines (it's a knitwear place) that went underwater are working again, which is more than we expected. :)

So that's a quick update for those ( if any) who care. Hope wherever you are everything is okay. :)



This is something I wrote...quickly and badly, even I will acknowledge it's poor quality. :P But this is to place what i am thinking and get some opinion. :)


And lo’ I am forgotten

But I will not forget myself

In the darkness of life

I will light my own path


Shattered pieces fall

but I will heal with time

survival necessitates change

and so my hide thickens


Alone with myself

An easier way to think

Puzzle the riddle of me

Wrapped in murky love


Wake softened to the rising sun

The world turns as I oxidise

Pain fades, lessons are learned

Weary practise for another turn

Thoughts anyone?


So, this is what being dumped feels like. Strange. I thought it would hurt more, but rather instead i feel numb. Actually it's more indifference. I'm sad for being found wanting and also that he cared so little as to dump me by facebook. Facebook, rly? You couldn't even take the time to wait until i got back from a weeks holiday away to tell me you're leaving me? How little you must think of me.

I am glad in a way, for i was beginning to wonder why i was in a relationship. I like being single, the independence and strength in knowing you are free to do whatever you want. But I liked knowing that someone found me alluring enough to ask me out and date me. To stay after that initial date. It helps to validate your self identity.

...but enough with my woe, as pricking as it is. I have happier news. News of the end of another year of university, another year survived in the halls of education, twisting and dangerous with their competitive ideals. :P

And I think i did well this semester, but we'll see when results are released if I have not been fooling myself with fantasies. 

Not only have i finished another year, but my dearest medically inclined friends have all finished pre-med (medicine is a post-graduate course in queensland). Congratulations darlings, you all worked hard and I am sure it will all pay off in med!!!

I may post something later of the poetical persuasion, but for now this is all I am going to post.

Thanks for being an avid listener,


Shattered Kaleidoscope of thoughts

Dear Santa,
lolz, just kidding, although it is starting to fee like it should be closer to christmas as all of the shops are putting out christmas displays and wares alongside the halloween stuff. Creepy santa anyone? :P

It is now 25 days since I have spoken to my boyfriend. He is doing drills somewhere in northern queensland. I know he can't call me, and that I should be too busy studying to want to call him, but I keep wanting to hear from him.  :(

so, when I was supposed to be writing my prac report the other day I wrote this.

Too far, why are you not here

I ache in the hollow places where you fit

My thoughts pull like longing puppies after their master, vainly seeking you out 

And in the dark my heart spills free in hidden whispers,

I miss you.

And then this:

Let me be your sweetness

Your shelter in the rain

Soft edge to your strong lines

Let me mould myself around you

I'm thinking of expanding the last one, but I am sick atm and not in a mood to write anything nice!
I have also been looking at the Haiku form again, it's harder than I thought, although the campus at university has proved a wonderful inspiration. ^_^


Words across my page

Haunting in the emptiness

Calling souls to dream

White cotton clouds

Drift inexorably on

An endless blue sky

Tell me what you think or if I've miscounted the beats in any of the lines! :P Hope you enjoy them! ^_^


My word trial has run out and I can't figure out how to reload it! :( Will get my father's help later, but for now consider this a mere regurgitation of ideas. That means ignore it. :P

Cumbersome and heavy,
lead-like grief within
a heart in isolation
dead men give no comfort.

Scoop out my heart
in the winter of your absence it withers;
I need it not

....hmm, I'm noticing a trend....a creepy trend, but a trend nonetheless. :P

we speak but do not say a thing
listen without though
how can we claim intelligence
without understanding

and now I feel I will go to bed. I am so tired thanks to fanfic (*scowls at computer screen*), and I have my last practical for the semester tomorrow. YAYZ!! :D

Blessed be are those who forgive difference, for they can see light in everything.


Writer's Block: MAKE IT STOP!

What was the last song you couldn't get out of your head no matter how hard you tried?

I am always getting songs stuck in my head. Just today I had Under the sheets by Ellie Goulding. It's embarassing sometimes when I catch myself humming and singing along to it. Of course I often find myself doing it when I'm not listening to my ipod....people tend to look at you strangely when you sing along to the music in your head! :P